Discover Yourself - Act 12
by DreamSeeker
Summary: It's time for everyone's solo part of the quest! Read to find out how they all handle being alone and answering tough questions about themselves!


"Discover Yourself" - Act 12  
  
Disclaimer: The characters of Peter, Sophie, Shelby, Juliette, Scott, Auggie, Daisy, Ezra, and Kat do not belong to me.   
  
"Knowing others is wisdom; Knowing the self is enlightenment; Mastering others requires force; Mastering the self needs strength." - Tao te Ching  
  
  
Author's Note: Your reviews are cracking me up! :-) But they do motivate me to get the next chapter out faster, so please keep reviewing! Unfortunately, I have a job (and it's not writing), and this is a busy time for me personally, so I apologize for not being able to post my chapters sooner. I was going to make this longer, because I'd like to wrap this fanfic up and continue with the fall fanfic, but I didn't want to delay posting this any longer. I'd love input on the length - too short, too long? Thanks!  
  
  
  
  
"Rise and shine!" Peter yelled into the early morning air. A collective groan could be heard from the tents. Within a few minutes, everyone had emerged, some more groggy than others.   
  
"Let's get going! You all need to eat a good breakfast, then we'll be taking you one by one to your solo sites." Glancing around, Peter didn't see Shelby anywhere. *Maybe she's still asleep,* he thought, hoping she hadn't run off. Approaching her tent, Peter called out her name. "Shelby? Shelby, are you in there?"  
  
"I'm right here," a voice came from behind him, making him jump. He turned around to see Shelby standing there, scowling at him. "What do you want, Peter?" she said in an icy tone.   
  
"I, uh, just didn't see you. I wanted to make sure you were up." Peter was still thrown by Shelby's lack of trust in him. He knew that it was nothing he had done, but he'd just have to work hard to earn that trust back.   
  
As Shelby brushed past Peter into the tent, Peter decided to try to talk to her. "So, you ready for your solo today?" he asked hopefully.   
  
Shelby stuck her head out of her tent and glared at him. "Whatever, Peter. You've already made me do this once before. I don't understand why I can't just stay here. You and Sophie will be busy checking on the others anyway, so in a way, it will be like my solo."  
  
Peter sighed. Leave it to Shelby to make him the bad guy. *Why couldn't she have asked Sophie this instead of me?* he wondered. "Shel, you know that you need to be totally alone on a solo. Besides, your last solo was interrupted, first by Scott, then by the storm. This will do you some good." He tried to sound optimistic, but Shelby just shook her head and retreated back into her tent.   
  
  
  
  
When everyone had eaten breakfast, Sophie handed out packets to everyone, including Shelby.   
  
"What are these for?" Mike asked, looking annoyed.   
  
"There are questions in these packets that we thought would help you all in your road to personal discovery," Sophie answered. "You don't HAVE to do them, but we think it would certainly be to your benefit to try answering the questions. There are also journals in there. When you return, Peter and I will offer to go over your packets with you, based on however much you want to share.   
  
Peter first took Troy to his solo site, while Sophie took Liz to hers. Sophie wasn't surprised when Liz whined the entire hike about being all alone in the wild, griping about the cold, the bugs, the dirt, and everything in between.   
  
"What if a wild animal comes?" Liz was practically working herself into a panic. "Sophie, I won't know what to do! It could kill me!"  
  
Sophie suppressed her laughter. "Liz, we'll be checking up on all of you periodically, and I'll be back for you in the morning. Besides," she added, smiling, "it's not bear season - yet."  
  
  
  
  
Back at the campsite, Mike and Ali were finalizing their plans for meeting up later. "I'll do my best to find you. They can't put us too far from this campsite, we're all probably just in a large circle around here." He looked around to make certain no one was watching, then leaned in and kissed Ali, who eagerly participated.   
  
After pulling apart, Ali smiled up at Mike seductively. "Don't take too long," she whispered, as Peter entered the campsite.   
  
"Mike, you ready?" Peter yelled over to them.   
  
Mike nodded, then winked at Ali. "Catch ya later," he said as he waved and followed Peter away.   
  
Ali stood, smiling, watching the two men disappear. She was trying to ignore the butterflies in her stomach, but they kept getting worse. *What if he doesn't show?* she thought worriedly. Remembering the extra food she had stored in her backpack, she hoped that she was taken to her solo site soon. *I just need to eat a little something,* she tried to convince herself, determined not to let herself get out of control again.   
  
  
  
  
It was already late morning by the time Peter and Sophie took Shelby to her solo site. The others were all at their sites.   
  
As they came to a clearing, Peter stopped. "Well, this is it, Shel. Home sweet home until tomorrow morning."  
  
"Three homes in a week," Shelby said bitterly. "Guess I'm turning into a nomad."  
  
Sophie refrained from commenting and decided it best to just let Shelby be. "Okay, Shelby, you know what to do. And unlike everyone else, your participation is not optional. You WILL answer the questions, and continue your journal entries. Understood?" Sophie fixed Shelby with a stern look.  
  
"Chill out, geez. I'll answer the stupid questions," Shelby grumbled, kicking the ground with the toe of her boot.   
  
"Alright, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye, Shelby." Peter was surprised when she mumbled a quick "bye" before looking up at him with frightened eyes, as he followed Sophie away.   
  
  
  
  
Lynn walked around her tent, surveying her work. It had taken her a half hour to set it up by herself, she had Troy help her the night before. Now, she felt a sense of accomplishment after completing the task without anyone's help.   
  
*What the heck am I supposed to do now?* she wondered. She had to admit that she wasn't too excited about being out in the middle of nowhere all by herself. Lynn spent the majority of her time alone, but that was in her house or in her car. She really didn't like the feeling of having no control over her environment, it made her very uncomfortable.   
  
*Might as well pull out the questions and give those a try.*   
  
Q: Is it important for you to have time to yourself?  
*That's easy.*  
A: Yes, very important. I value my alone time.   
  
Q: Do you trust your own judgement?  
Lynn paused, frowning. *I used to trust my own judgement, but look what happened. Damn him!* Her eyes welled up with tears, but Lynn angrily wiped them away. *I can't think about that right now.*   
A: No, I don't trust my own judgement. Some people are too good at hiding things about themselves, making it impossible to make an accurate judgement.   
  
Q: When you are in trouble, is it hard to find someone to talk to?  
A: Sometimes, yes. Since my family lives far away, we just catch up on our lives when we talk and don't really get down to the nitty-gritty. And lately, I've been busy and haven't kept up with my friends. Plus, they all have busy lives, with their families now. There really aren't many people to talk to.   
  
Q: What is your biggest fear?  
Lynn sucked in her breath, wondering if she should write down the truth or not. *What have I got to lose?*  
A: To be alone for the rest of my life.   
  
  
  
  
Ali sat by the fire she'd built, wondering how soon Mike would come. *He said it would be awhile,* she thought, trying to convince herself. She wandered around her site for a bit, enjoying the stillness of everything. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her of the food in her pack. *No, not yet. I want to wait.* She opened the questions to try to get her mind off of the food.   
  
Ali pulled out the first list of questions.  
  
Q: Are you satisfied with your life?  
*Not at all, but I don't want to write that down. Skip that one.*  
  
Q: Are you self-confident?  
*No to that one, too. Gee, I sound like such a loser,* Ali thought, angry at herself.   
  
Not wanting to see any more questions that would make her feel worse about herself, she pulled out another list of questions. To her chagrin, it was about eating habits.   
  
Q: How do you feel about gaining weight?  
*What a dumb question! How does anyone feel about gaining weight? They don't want it to happen!* Ali thrust down the paper as tears started to trickle down her cheeks. *I wonder if Sophie gave Liz or Lynn these questions about eating. Probably not.* She kept reading the questions, becoming more and more upset with each one.  
  
Q: When you eat too much, do you feel out of control?  
Q: Do you regularly eat for reasons other than hunger?  
Q: Do you tell someone the truth when they ask your weight?  
Q: When I lose weight, I...  
Q: After eating a large meal, I...  
Q: Have you ever binged (consumed large amounts of food in a short period of time)? If so, how often?  
Q: Have you ever purged (taken laxatives or self-induced vomiting to rid your body of food)? If so, how often?  
Q: How much do you eat in a typical day?  
  
*Screw this! I don't need this.* Ali stuffed the paper back in the packet, and looked at her watch. *It's getting late, and he's not here yet. He's probably not coming.* She tried to stop crying, but to no avail. *Why should he come? Who would want to be with me, anyway?* With that thought, she headed into her tent and got the food out of her backpack.   
  
  
  
  
Mike looked at his watch again, as he paced the perimeter of his solo site. He hadn't yet built a fire, but it was starting to get colder already. He had a feeling that Peter or Sophie would check up on each of them. He was hoping to catch them when they checked up on him, then follow them to Ali's site.   
  
Mike wasn't worried about completing the packet. *Hey, they said it was optional. I opt not to complete any questions.* For a moment, he wondered what his mom would think if she could see him now. *It doesn't matter. She's gone, and the family has all moved on.* He thought back to his dad's girlfriend, who was closer to Mike's age than his dad's age. *What a joke,* he thought angrily.   
  
Just then, he spotted a flash of blue among the trees. Trying to be casual, Mike picked up his flashlight for later that night, and headed in the direction of blue.   
  
After he was about fifty yards away from his site, Mike saw Sophie clearly up ahead. She seemed to be alone, and was looking at a map or diagram of some sort. Concentrating on being quiet and staying out of sight, but not wanting to lose her, Mike carefully continued to follow Sophie at a safe distance.   
  
  
  
  
*Only Liz and Ali left to check on, then I can go back to Peter for the night.* Sophie smiled at this thought, but then her forehead creased as she thought back to Shelby. Peter was checking on Shelby, Lynn, and Troy before nightfall set in. *I hope she can handle this solo okay.*  
  
Just then, Sophie heard a noise behind her. She whirled around but saw nothing. *It must just be a wild animal,* she thought to herself, then chuckled softly at her jumpiness.   
  
  
  
  
Liz softly sang to herself as she stared into the fire. At first, the thought of being alone had terrified her, but she was finally realizing it wasn't as bad as she'd thought it would be. *Still, it would have been nice to have a radio or something,* she thought irritably. Liz hated silence, she always had.   
  
After reading each question aloud, Liz began choosing certain ones to answer. She knew that Sophie was hoping for some thoughtful answers after their discussion earlier that day. Liz didn't want to disappoint Sophie, but she was tired of thinking about her life so much. *I'm really going to be ready for a good party when this is over,* she thought with a smile.   
  
Q: Is it important for you to have time to yourself?  
A: No, I've never needed time to myself. I'd much rather be surrounded by people.  
  
Q: Do you trust your own judgement?  
A: Not really. I try not to make judgements unless it's necessary, but I have been known to be wrong about someone or a situation before.  
  
Q: Can you control your impulsiveness?  
Liz rolled her eyes, she knew this was one of her weakest points. *I can't take Sophie's disapproving look, I can't answer that.*  
  
Q: Can you forget about your problems and worries, and just have fun?  
*Now THIS is something I don't have a problem with.*  
A: YES!!!  
  
Q: Are you afraid of being rejected by your friends?  
A: Yes, but who isn't? I have to belong, I have always needed to belong.   
  
Q: What is your biggest fear?  
Liz stopped and looked back to her other answers. She knew what her answer was, but she had never really acknowledged her feelings before. *Oh, what the heck. I might as well tell the truth.*  
A: My biggest fear is for someone to actually get to know the 'real' me, because I'm afraid that they won't like what they find. It's easier to just put on an act.   
  
Liz examined her last answer, then shook her head sadly. *I think I'm too good at putting up a front. I don't even know who the 'real' me is anymore.*  
  
  
  
  
Ali was feeling very agitated. She looked at the food wrappers, now empty. *I'm so disgusting,* she thought, sobbing quietly. After awhile, her eyes rested on the packet of questions. *I'm sick of putting up with this. I am so sick of feeling this way.* She picked up the paper and a pen, a growing sense of determination building within her. *Fine, if Sophie wants answers, then I'll give her answers.*  
  
  
  
  
Troy sat around the fire he'd made, holding a picture of his wife and daughter. He'd been sitting there, staring at the picture, for the past hour. *I hope I'm doing the right thing for Claire,* he thought.  
  
Looking beside him, Troy realized he still had some unanswered questions from the packet. He had made an effort to answer the questions simply and honestly, in part to further his personal growth, but also partly to make a good impression on Peter and Sophie. After the last question, Troy's mind had wandered, and he had pulled out the photo of Linda and Claire. Now, Troy went back to the question.  
  
Q: Are you satisfied with your life?  
A: No. To me, satisfaction means fulfillment and contentment. I am very content being a father and a son, but I want to be more. A year ago, I was satisfied with my life. Linda's death changed that. While I miss her tremendously every day, I know I must move on. To do that, I feel this career change is a necessary move for me, I think it will lead to more satisfaction for me.   
  
*One more question.* Troy made a mental note to have patience with his future students when it came time for them to answer questions such as these. They were more difficult to answer than they first seemed.   
  
Q: Are you afraid of what awaits you in the future?  
Troy thought back to Linda, then to Lynn. *I can't live in the past. It's not fair to me, or to Claire.*  
A: No. I have to look toward the future, it gives me hope. The possibilities of what the future holds are endless.  
  
Troy leaned back, smiling to himself as he thought of Lynn and how to find out if she was at all interested in him. He was fairly certain that she harbored some feelings for him, but something else was there, something that made him want to take things slowly. He had a gut feeling that getting Lynn to open up would be no easy task.   
  
  
  
  
Shelby sat in front of her fire, trying to warm herself. She felt restless but didn't know what to do about it. After eating dinner, Shelby decided she couldn't put off the inevitable, and reached for her journal.  
  
Dear Sophie:  
Well, I decided to write in here first before answering the fun-filled questions that I have no doubt are in this packet. Thanks again to you and Peter for making me go through this a second time. Like the first wasn't bad enough. Funny how things always seem to just keep getting worse.   
There is one good thing about being stuck out here. I can pretend that it's still last year, pretend that the rape didn't happen. But it did, and things will never be the same.   
I do sort of wish that summer would never end. That means the rest of the group will be back. I'm kind of enjoying not having to go to group every day (even though you make me write in this and answer questions). I don't want to think about the rest of the group knowing what happened, I don't want anyone to ever know, especially Scott. Maybe it's just better if he and I are over. I'm sure he's met someone at home, anyway.  
I'm also dreading seeing Jess. She knows me better than just about anybody else. I'm scared that she'll take one look at me and know what happened. Or even worse, that Mom has filled her head with stories about how evil I am. I don't think she'd believe Mom over me, but I think I'd almost rather have her believe Mom than for me to have to tell her what really happened.   
  
Shelby stopped, looking down at what she'd written in surprise. *Gee, since when am I all about spilling my guts to Sophie?* she wondered. After toying with the idea of tearing out the page, she decided to leave it in there. For some reason, Shelby was finding herself trusting Sophie more and more, and she also believed Sophie was holding true to her promise of not showing the journal to Peter or anyone else.   
  
*Okay, question time,* Shelby thought, scowling as she pulled out the packet's contents.   
  
Q: Are you satisfied with your life?  
*What kind of question is that?*  
A: No, I'm not satisified with my life. Would you be if you had my life?  
  
Q: Are you usually irritable?  
A: Yes, I'm more irritable lately. Hmm, I wonder why, not like I have any reason to be.  
  
Q: Do you ever feel that you mess up everything you touch?  
A: Yeah, I guess you could call it that. That seems to be the pattern of my life so far.   
  
Q: Do you have many things to be thankful for in your life?  
A: Is this supposed to be funny? Because it's not. Okay, I am thankful for Jess, even though I've caused her pain. But she may not be very thankful for me.  
  
Q: Do you have trouble falling asleep?  
A: What gave it away, the dark circles under my eyes?  
  
Q: Have you been sleeping less than you usually do?  
A: Yes.  
  
Q: What makes you feel bad about yourself?  
Shelby paused, not quite sure how to answer this question. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered how her mother had last looked at her. Her mom's eyes had been filled with such hatred. Shelby thought of Jess, of the haunted look in her eyes that Shelby was all too familiar with.   
A: When I'm the cause of other people's pain.   
  
Q: Do you possess an inner strength?  
A: I used to. I don't know anymore.   
  
Q: What do you like best about yourself?  
A: I guess that I know when it's time to move on.   
  
  
  
  
Ali put down her pen, examining the answers she had just written in a daze. She was slightly amazed that she had answered every question honestly. It was an exhilarating feeling, to put down her true feelings on paper, yet very frightening at the same time. *Maybe I'll give it Sophie, I'll decide later,* she thought.  
  
She went inside the tent to put away the packet. After wiping off her tear-stained face, she decided to check on the fire. Stepping out of her tent, she thought she heard something move near her.   
  
*Mike? No, it can't be. It's too late.* Alarmed, Ali jumped up to find her flashlight. To her disbelief and delight, she saw Mike coming toward her, holding a finger to his lips, indicating she needed to be quiet. Though confused, Ali obeyed, until he was next to her.  
  
"I followed Sophie. I had to wait a minute before she left. I didn't want her to hear me," he whispered in her ear, giving her goosebumps.   
  
"I'm glad you found me." She smiled up at him before surprising him with a deep kiss.   
  
Finally, Mike pulled away. "Wow! You are such an incredible kisser," he said, his eyes hungrily roving over her body.   
  
Ali, thrilled that Mike was looking at her body with such desire, felt a sudden surge of confidence. "That's not all I'm incredible at," she said, pulling him into the tent.   
  
  
  
  
Peter stopped as he came up to the campsite. There was Sophie, sitting by the fire, as she had the night before. She was writing in her journal, with a serious look on her face.   
  
Peter sighed, thinking of Shelby. He had just finished checking on her, and was happy to see that she was writing in her journal as well. As long as she continued to write down her feelings, it was better than her totally shutting everyone out. As much as Peter was hurt that Shelby didn't want to open up to him, he was grateful for Sophie's influence. Seeing how much Sophie cared about Shelby, Juliette, and the other kids just made Peter love her more.   
  
Sophie looked up as a twig snapped underneath Peter's shoe, then smiled at her husband. *How did I get so lucky?* she wondered. Sometimes, Sophie was genuinely surprised at just how good Peter made her feel. No one had ever made her feel this way, she didn't deem it possible until she experienced those feelings with Peter.   
  
Peter came up to her and, without a word, began massaging Sophie's shoulders, just like he had done the previous night.   
  
"Umm, that feels heavenly," Sophie said as she closed her eyes. "How did the checks go?"  
  
Peter decided to leave out details, there would be plenty of time for that tomorrow. Tonight, the most important thing to him was Sophie. "Everyone is fine, yours?"  
  
"Fine." Sophie was almost glad that Peter didn't want to talk about the others. It had been days since they'd been alone together, what with Shelby's arrival and John's accident, and now the quest.   
  
Peter maneuvered himself so he was sitting next to Sophie while still rubbing her shoulders. "I think my beautiful wife needs a little TLC," he said, only half-teasing.   
  
Sophie turned to face Peter, giving him a half-hearted smile. "You always know just what I need, don't you?" She rested her head against his chest, closing her eyes as he wrapped his arms around her.   
  
"Well, I try to," Peter remarked lightly, although his worry for Sophie was building, he hadn't realized just how stressed she was.   
  
They were silent for a moment, until Sophie let out a big sigh. "Oh, Peter," she said, sadness creeping into her voice as she snuggled closer to him, "I wish we could just sit here all night. Everything just feels right when you're holding me. All the bad stuff - it just melts away."  
  
Peter kissed the top of her head. "I know just what you mean," he said, wrapping his arms tighter around her.   
  
Sophie laughed suddenly, taking Peter by surprise. "What's so funny?" he wanted to know.   
  
Sophie pulled back and gave him a big grin. "Who would have predicted a few years ago that the always on-the-go, independent Sophie Becker would settle down here at Horizon and marry Mr. Stability, Mountain Man, Peter Scarbrow?"  
  
"I wouldn't say I've always been Mr. Stability," Peter said, frowning as he thought back to his battle with drug addiction.  
  
"Well, you're my Mr. Stability. My rock, always and forever." She smiled lovingly at him, putting her hand on the side of his face. Peter put his hand over her own, pulling her hand down as he bent forward and kissed her tenderly on the lips.   
  
Still holding hands, Peter gazed into Sophie's eyes and saw the same desire there that was burning within him. "Why don't we move inside the tent?" he suggested in a husky voice.  
  
"Yours or mine?" Sophie smiled as he stood up, pulling her up with him and into another kiss, this time with more passion.   
  
After pulling away, Peter smiled devilishly at her. "We could try for both," he said slyly, causing her to laugh as they went inside Peter's tent and zipped it shut.   
  
  
  
  
Next time:  
- Peter receives some unwelcome news concerning Shelby upon returning to Horizon.   
- Will Mike and Ali be discovered?  
- Sophie reaches out to one of the summer program participants after uncovering a secret.   
- Troy tries to get closer to Lynn.   
  
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